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In a few weeks, most of us will be gathering up a few of our belongings, packing those babies in a suitcase, and flying somewhere to be greeted with Mom's turkey and Aunt Ramona's famous pumpkin pie. As you're busy boarding your plane, the airline of your choice is busy sending your luggage off to one of those small, humid countries famous for coffee. Of course, after boarding your flight when flying home, you'll have to sit down and listen to a flight attendant ramble about emergency instructions and not opening any windows. Of course, you'd rather be doing other things, such as scoping out the other passengers for possible terrorists, or waving good-bye out the window to your luggage.
Well, now you can do these things and completely ignore your flight attendant person's pre-flight pep talk. I took notes on my last flight, and I'll share them with you so you can read them whenever its convenient for you. Here are the general safety features discussed on most major airlines:
Seatbelts. Most airlines fly an average of 500mph, so in case of a sudden mid-air stop, these devices keep you safe and snug in your seat, instead of shooting out of the cockpit's windshield in an embarrassing fashion.
Seat Cushions. Seat cushions on all major airlines float. If for some reason your flight to Chicago is rerouted with a quick stop in the Atlantic Ocean, don't worry, your seat will float. This enables the airline to send employees out into the water to gather up the floating seats for reuse and save you from excessive ticket costs from seat replacement. These seats also serve two emergency purposes. The first purpose is as a flotation device for you and your loved ones, and then, when the sharks come, they double as large bobbers.
Emergency Exits. There are usually four of these, not including the big one created on impact. These are the doors on the side of the plane that occasionally pop open for no apparant reason. Individuals sitting by these exits should either be trained Navy Seal Officers, or large enough to cork up a hole.
Sharp Objects. During an emergency landing, flight attendants will request that you remove all sharp objects from your shirt pockets and pants. (Yeah, Captain Kirk plows into the side of Mt. Zardoff going moch 5, and your cause of death is lead poisoning from a #2 pencil.)
Oxygen Masks. These are the overhead Ziplock bags that you are supposed to "gently" tug at and place over your mouth in the event of cabin depressurization. (Sorry, but I don't think the word "gently" would be the first thing to enter my mind while I'm on board a flight doing barrell rolls at 30,000 feet.) Also, these masks muffle you and the other passengers' screams so the pilot can hear the radio better.
Allrighty, keep these safety features in mind while boarding your flight in a few weeks. Everyone have a safe and enjoyable flight, and don't eat too much of that airline food-too much of that stuff will weigh you down and sink your airline seat.| Questions or comments about this page? Feedback | Copyright © 1997 by Gregory S. Scherrer, Editor and by the Student Publications Board |