...Two Bits

...Two Bits

ATLANTA
November 13, 1998

Ok, Two Bits Man has had enough! I was in the mall doing a little shopping, trying to get a few things. Low and behold, I was mobbed by little elves in tights. Not only that, but I was surrounded by soccer moms and executives on lunch break mobbing the some sale. How am I supposed to get Bob Vila's latest must-have gadget when I can't even get into the mall for all the madding crowd?

It was only when a herd of toddlers, obviously still high from Halloween candy, bowled me over on the way to find Furbies did I see the garland and Santa's sleigh hanging from the ceiling of the mall.

Early November, let alone September, is too early for Santa to come to Atlanta. It's bad enough that the fellow has to break all known laws of physics one night a year, but to force him to replicate into hundreds of mall-based avatars so early is just cruel and unusual commercialism.

In this era of family values, how are these craven mall managers allowed to force Santa and his elves to spend so much time away from their families. I don't care if the reindeer really are warp nacelles, and if Santa can travel faster than light and through time, it is cruel.

Speaking of the reindeer, isn't it dangerous to make them go so fast? I don't think that the reindeer get to wear heat shields. Wouldn't they burn up? I can't believe that the ASPCA hasn't stepped in. After all, flying reindeer are extremely rare. There are at most nine examples of the species, perhaps as few as eight. There is also no captive-breeding program.

I really wonder where they keep those reindeer during the day. I never see them out behind the mall foraging, so I can only assume that they are locked in some smelly corridor below the mall. Have you ever been in the basement of a mall? It's a scary place, with all sorts of stuff that hasn't seen daylight in ages. It's sort of like the College of Computing, but without the picnic tables. Certainly, it is not the place for such a beautiful creature as the flying reindeer. Also, it is unfair to the elves to be drug halfway across the hemisphere to take pictures of screaming babies and recalcitrant toddlers. The only thing that I can think is that the mall management forces Santa to bring them in so that they don't have to pay benefits on their wages. After all, I know that I didn't get paid squat when I worked at the mall.

Based on this evidence, I conclude that the mall management is a bunch of capitalist pigs. First of all, I don't think that the trend towards having trick-or-treat in malls isn't due to safety. Notice that many malls have dentists now. Coincidence, I think not! Then there is this Santa thing. They always put the poor chap between the entrance and wherever mommy wants to go. Usually, they manage to put him right next to the toy stores, and you can bet that the toy stores put all the expensive stuff right up front.

Of course, I think that they make Santa wear a wire. They're recording the innocent children on his knee. That's how they know exactly what to put out where children can either beg for it or break it in the process of begging for it. That's the real reason Santa keeps going for "breaks." He is in a dark room under bright lights, while the toy store managers review the tapes and say stuff like "Why aren't they buying Power Rangers? Push the Power Rangers! We have tons of 'em from last year, and we'll never sell them unless you PUSH THE POWER RANGERS!"

I urge you to take action against this capitalist conspiracy! Tell those hedonistic bourgeois pigs! FREE THE REINDEER! FREE THE REINDEER! People for the Ethical Treatment of Elves and Reindeer urge you to boycott these horrific practices. At least until after Turkey Day.

Copyright © 1998 by Gregory S. Scherrer, Editor and by the Student Publications Board

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