....Two Bits

....Two Bits

ATLANTA
November 20, 1998

I know, I know. You can't believe it. How could we at the Two Bits Research Institute (2BRI) already be closing in on the solution to yet another one of life's great mysteries? Something that has at least distracted some of the most mediocre minds this decade? We don't know either. Maybe we'll work on that one next.

Over the years many people have tried to figure out what happens to the socks we lose in the wash. Most of these involve some rare and improbable astrological phenomenon. 2BRI has a much better explanation. Of course, I'll give you my own ridiculous renditions of the other theories first to make mine seem more reasonable by comparison.

I'll start, just for giggles, by contradicting myself. I just said that most of the other theories were astrological in nature. To kick off: an easily disproven, non-stellar theory. I give you Al Bundy's "Women Steal Socks" Theory.

We live in a primarily patriarchal society. That means that the men have convinced themselves that they are in charge of things. Al Bundy was too paranoid to believe that. He knew that it was impossible to find a matching pair of dress socks. He knew the consequences of wearing unmatched socks to important business meetings - you feel off balance, people think you're incompetent. This undermines any authority you might have. End effect, man looks silly and loses face, weakening his grip on society. Women are obviously secretly snatching socks out of the laundry in a bid to take over the world (what are we doing tomorrow night?).

This is, so to say, total bunk. "What do you mean?" you might ask. "It all sounded so real!" Let's think about this. First of all, if this were correct, that would mean that Al Bundy was correct. If that isn't enough, look at it this way. If you were a woman (and, in fact, you may well be), would you want to go sneaking about in men's dorms - not to mention fraternity houses - stealing stockings? How would you find them under the pizza boxes? What kind of protective clothing would you have to bring to handle the items in question? Finally, how would you be able to tell the black socks from the blue ones in the specially designed fluoro-pathetic lighting of dorms like Hanson? Stealing socks from men on this campus is not only impractical, it's far too perilous.

Of course, more perilous things exist in the universe than bachelor laundry. Just not on this Earth. One of the more popular theories involves something that would gobble up dress socks and Krystal burgers (a close peril second) alike. Consider theory number two: Black Holes in the Washing Machine.

At first, this seems like the perfect explanation. For whatever reason, Whirlpool decides to put a small black hole in every washing machine it produces. They are tucked away in some little corner so that they don't eat up any of the larger items (people rarely lose entire towels in the wash), but socks innocently tuck themselves into these tight spots and fall across the Hosiery Event Horizon, never to be seen again.

This is also, as it were, total bunk. "Oh crumbs," you say, "but it all sounded so dramatic!" Sad, but true - it's all false (parse that sentence if you dare). I'll give you two reasons why these black holes don't exist. First of all, a black hole isn't just a sudden drop from normal sock-friendly space to the Hosiery Horizon. There is a gradual increase in gravity leading up to it. Now, if a sock were twirling around inside the washer at a significant fraction of c and came close to, but didn't touch, the black hole then it would be able to escape its gravity. I'm not saying it wouldn't be any worse for the wear, however. On the contrary, it would be stretched out by the differing levels of gravity. That is, the end closest to the black hole would feel a very strong pull while the far end would wonder what was holding everything up. What you'd end up with, then, would be a very long, thin sock. I don't know about you, but I've never had a sock mysteriously turn into nylons.

The other problem with the black hole theory has to do with antimatter. All around space, pairs of particles are winking into existence, dancing around each other, getting miffed, and annihilating each other. This is because one particle is matter, the other is antimatter. If a proton and antiproton decide to wink into existence and the proton weaves a little to close to a black hole, the antiproton finds itself rather alone and trots off into space to find someone else to play with. This shows up to astronomers as radiation. If black holes were indeed standard equipment in washing machines, it would then stand to reason that we should all be finding the odd anti-sock in our laundry. You'd recognize an anti-sock pretty quickly because you'd be blown to the far side of Skiles the first time you tried to fold one with a pro-sock.

A less spectacular theory says that our socks don't get crushed into oblivion by black holes, they just find their way home. Number three is the theory of The Land of Left Socks. When socks reach a certain stage in sock life, this theory predicts, they develop a powerful homing instinct to find their way to Sock Shangri-La. Here all the lost socks of the world gather to frolic in peace and harmony and are never trod on/in again.

This theory has more bunks in it than a barracks. First of all, with just the socks I've lost, we'd be able to see this idyllic K-Mart from outer space. The CIA would spot them with a satellite in no time. Then they would clean the place out to get a better view of whatever it is the socks were hiding. We'd all get fat off of government sock subsidies. Second of all, with all the socks lost from around the world over the course of man kind's existence, the socks would have achieved critical mass by now and collapsed into a black hole. We've already covered that one.

Now we get to the way it really is. The following theory is the conclusion of dozens of minutes of carefully undocumented research here at 2BRI. The reason why socks disappear in the wash is because Dryers Eat Socks.

That's right! Dryers are actually organic creatures that feed off of socks. Out in the Midwest, Maytag and Whirlpool own huge secret ranches where they breed and raise dryers. The CIA has spotted them with their satellites, but has not cleared them out as they would have done the Land of Left Socks. Why not? Because we all already know what the dryers are hiding - the socks! These docile creatures periodically pick a sock out of your laundry and digest it. This provides them with the energy they need to tumble and heat your clothes, so it's actually a fairly symbiotic relationship. What happens to the digested sock you wonder? That's the truly staggeringly amazing part of this discovery - it actually solves not one but TWO of life's great mysteries. Where does the digested sock go? Where do you think lint comes from?

Copyright © 1998 by Gregory S. Scherrer, Editor and by the Student Publications Board

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