...Two Bits

...Two Bits

ATLANTA
November 6, 1998

In honor of the recent elections, Two Bits Central is honored to present the First Annual Golden Shovel awards. This distinguished award is given to those politicians and political pundits who have done the most to sabotage the political machine.

It was a tight race this year, with an enormous field of deserving candidates. I would daresay that just about everyone who holds an elected office is worthy, to some degree, of this honor. However, for your reading enjoyment we have narrowed the field to only the most deserving of candidates. But first, a round of applause for everyone that participated in this election and is helping to prove that there absolutely is no hope for humanity.

The "Journalistic Integrity be Damned" award goes to ABCnews.com, who posted complete election results, including "actual" votes cast, Monday night. For the chronologically challenged, this is before the polls had opened, which seems to imply that this was complete conjecture. Anybody ever heard of the infamous "Dewey Beats Truman" headline?

Ok, so the folks at ABC guessed pretty close, but to post results, even predictions in the form of results, is just plain irresponsible. Either the folks at ABC have a time machine, or the liberal bias in the media has gone just a little too far. By posting these "results" before the election, ABC very well might have influenced the election, and that is just wrong. This stands out as pretty slimy even in the low standards of Internet journalism. Incidentally, If they have a time machine, can I borrow it so I can take my midterms again?

In honor of his surprising victory in the race for Governor of Minnesota, former wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura wins the Body Slam of Democracy Golden Shovel award. Now, he has a stranglehold on the seat of governmental power. I have to wonder what will he do if he runs for reelection. Will we get to see it on Monday Nitro? Will that announcer guy Gene Whats-his-name become Speaker of the House? The possibilities are endless. Hollywood Hogan could be his Chief of Staff.

The Assistant News Editor wishes to take credit for this victory because of the sliver box public service announcement that he ran on page three of last week's paper. For this, We award Scott Lange the Heinous Abuse of an Editor's Power Golden Shovel Award.

The Dope Slap Golden Shovel Award is a tie. The first Dope Slap goes to the electorate of Houston Texas, for allowing Sheila Jackson Lee to run unopposed. For those that don't know, Jackson Lee made the horrible gaff of asking if the Mars Rover had found the flag that Neil Armstrong had left. Normally would be just daft. It is inexcusable since Johnson Space Center is in her district. I would have hoped that the electorate of the great state of Texas could tell the difference between Mars and the Moon.

The other Dope Slap Golden Shovel goes to Georgia Board of Elections over the race for State Senate seat 38. There is a lawsuit pending over the democratic candidate for that seat. It seems that the democratic candidate won by only one vote and the loser sued for a new runoff. Instead of settling this mess before the election, the votes are not even being counted until after the court case proceeds. Better make that two Dope Slaps for the election board.

Finally, the Get Out of My Sandbox Golden Shovel award goes to all Georgia politicians of both parties in what has to have been one of the nastiest campaigns in recent memory. Enough with the negative ads. We don't care. It just goes to show that age does not bring maturity. I haven't seen this much name calling since kindergarten.

I think that John Cleese said it best. "It looks like we are in for another two years of silly government."

Copyright © 1998 by Gregory S. Scherrer, Editor and by the Student Publications Board

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