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Welcome to the first of what may prove to be many installments of the most informational Two Bits feature yet. Hopefully, you will receive as much insight and enlightenment from this as I put into making it up.
During my recent World Tour, I encountered some transportation problems, namely the loss of my luxury tour bus in Athens, Georgia to a rogue local terrorist group known only as "We Arr Not Stoodents At Jorja." Luckily, I escaped with my health and one of their steeds, a brand-new, 1998 John Deere LX compact utility tractor with synthetic-leather interior and 24K gold blade guards.
I hastily traded this fine piece of machinery for something I could operate: an automobile. Unfortunately, the only models available for trade in the technological Mecca known as Athens were manufactured during or before the golden year of 1984.
Needless to say, travels in my newly acquired '84 Ford Escort (nicknamed "The Power Wagon") were interesting. One major obstacle of this was its affinity for oil combustion. Due to this, I now offer you, the reader, my step-by-step procedure to the only thing on the trip I did more times than visiting the restroom: changing my oil.
1. Visit your local superstore (ie. Wall-Mart, Target, 9 1/2 Weeks, etc.) and purchase the following items:
- Oil
- A pan to drain old oil into
- Paper towels
- The latest issue of the Nationa Inquirer
2. After catching up on the latest Elvis sightings and mutant children, spread the newspapers under the car.
3. Place your pan under the oil reservoir and remove the ensuing screw to begin draining the old oil out of the car.
4. Wait until all oil has drained, then fasten the screw back in place.
5. Unlock your driver side door. After failing to do so, realize your car is the other blue Honda Civic in the lot and quickly transport the materials to your car.
6. Repeat steps 2 through 4.
7. Open the hood and proceed to empty fresh oil into the correct compartment.
8. Argue with a stranger frantically scouring the premises. Explain that you don't think your car looks any thing like his and that you always keep extra dirty oil on hand "just in case."
9. Close your hood and dispose of the used oil in the nearest storm sewer.
10. Start your car to the new sound of cool efficiency.
11. See/Smell the smoke of efficiency rising from your hood and proceed to call the nearest service department.
12. Agree to allow the service technician to send a tow truck to your location after he explains that "Mazola" is not the most appropriate choice of engine lubricant.
13. Join the charming tow truck driver in a scenic drive to the service station. Leave the car and keys and walk to the nearest convenience store.
14. Treat your self to a cool drink as a reward for all your hard work!
Now isn't that simple? Follow these steps and soon you and your friends can be changing your own oil with professional results.
Saturday, April 18
* Bill Malone, Vigilantes of Love, and Monk—Eddie's Attic
Sunday, April 19
* Stanford Prison Experiment—The Point
* Barbara Kessler—Eddie's Attic
Monday, April 20
* Catfight! and Eternal Sisters—Center for the Arts
Wednesday, April 22
* Danya Kurtz—Eddie's Attic
Thursday, April 23
* Ani DiFranco—Masquerade